It was the intoxication for you that made me realize that I’ve been getting drunk of the wrong things for way to long
I’ve been sober before your lips, before your hands on my hips
You made me rethink the concept of being in a state sobriety
Because I would always see my self staring at the end of a bottle for a daring push into the world of extraordinary cliches to feel a sense of normalcy, different than awkward social convention I shoved myself into
But then I found myself drinking you, and felt at ease, felt at peace
Because liquor isn’t supposed to transform you
It’s supposed to bring out your truest shade out form the shadows
Shadows that were born out of the constricted norms embedded into my mind before I could even think about playing with my barbie dolls
And then I drank a tangy mixture of cheap vodka, expensive self-derailemt and an aftertaste of a misplaced childhood.
And for the first time in my predetermined existence
For the first time in my etiquette driven, formulaic personality
For the first time my mask fell of my face
Tumbled down on to the floor
And fell between your fingertips
For the first time I wasn’t afraid of pain
I found comfort in the scars you left on my neck
Open wounds that got infected with delusions and ill-adviced caresses
Because with every stroke they became deeper
And now here I stand
That result of your carnage
Battered black and blue but holding on to your control over me
Waiting for you to bite deeper into me until I’m lost in my own oblivion
Only to find myself in your arms
Wanting to feel weak again
Craving the hangover
I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that I move out tomorrow. I also can’t wrap my head around the fact that I pretty much haven’t written a word, a meaningful word, in months. The saddest part is I’ve had so much to write about in the past view months, that I’m just wondering if I’m forcing myself into a continuos writers block just so I don’t have to face the countless faces that float around the dustiest corners of my repressed subconscious.
I haven’t vented for a while and it’s really starting to get to me. This addiction of self-inflicting emotional pain is really getting out of hand and it’s all thanks to (bis surprise) a GUY. I can have my cliche moments once in a while and this is one of them.
I just don’t get it. Do men enjoy twisting the feelings and emotions of women for pleasure? Is it like a sport to them? What is it about driving women towards a downward spiral that they find so exhilarating. I mean seriously, how is having a girl go up and down a horrible emotional roller coaster for about 10 months FUN. Especially a dramatic girl, who’s actually going to get pissed at you because she, oh I don’t know, ACTUALLY FUCKING CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING IN GENERAL AN TO HER. And COME ON, really? The bull crap that you miss her and you want to never loose her. (Well I can’t really call is bull crap I fall for it all the time, but the point is WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SAY THOSE THINGS WHEN YOU REALLY DON’T CARE). And don’t come with the excuse that you feel sorry for her, because if you did you would have walked away when you fought, when she told you she wanted nothing to do with you, but you didn’t. You didn’t walk away. Why the fuck did you stay. You honestly don’t think it’s best for the mental health of the both of you for you to just leave her alone. She’s strong, she can get through it. But you won’t, and neither will she. None of you want to let go because sadly both of you, deep down, VERY DEEP DOWN, care. BUT YOU. Oh you who can only think with that small penis are blinded by a morality you don’t posses are so convinced you have the world on a sting wrapped around your finger that you can get away with having movie night and not paying attention to them. Well you actually succeeded but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again, or maybe it will, or it won’t. Jesus why is this so goddamn complicated. WHY ARE YOU SO COMPLICATED. I’m actually trying to keep this as simple as I can but it’s hard, SO HARD because you except things to be fine. I’m not ok with “fine”. I don’t like “fine”. I want simple no baggage, happy go lucky, with normal *insert some socially acceptable label here* fights and not being terrified of kissing you or actually fucking you because there would be no moral implications involved.
I want my best friend back. All of him. And a little more. And I won’t ever get it. Because. He. Is. A. Fucking. Idiot
Didn’t take me so long to crack this time.
How lost must I be that you have me going back to the one thing I swore I would repress form my lips and mind entirely
Maybe it’s better to stay in a dry spill than go back to the torturous task of an art that has been so played out.
I mean it was played out when it was written out 154 times
Yet here I am trying to reiterate what has always been stated in iambic pentameter
In kids poems
In erotic literature
There’s just nothing new to say about the time consuming, death eating, fucking plain messed feeling up that builds up inside me when I see you, when I think about you, when you hold my hand and kiss my neck
Because it’s all been said before
It’s not new to want to rip apart every memory because so help me God even the happy ones make me feel like there’s nothing to hold on to
Because they’re an echo of doubt
They’re a sad excuse of a deranged version of a fairy tail that I can’t help but find in every book I read, every song I hear and every insignificant sentence that simply mean so much to me
Not knowing if you can read between my lines or there’s a subtext in the way you nonchalantly glace at your side when I’ve drifted off into my non-sense once again
And then there’s your confusion
Which confuses me
And confuses you
And then it’s back to me
And then I end up being completely honest about something that I don’t even know if I’m saying correctly because there tends to be a third party nagging at my brain to mix fictional feelings with uncertain truth and makes me bombard the wall you’ve build up to high because you can’t have me being right
Not even about this
The irony being that you’re the one who supposedly feels so sure about himself
You can’t answer the question of what is it you want
Your coward sense of humor and chivalry surpasses your logic
And yet I’m the one who’s complicated
When I’ve managed to put aside my pride and wait for something that you want but doesn’t convince you
Knowing all the same that if the tables were turned you wouldn’t wait for me
Maybe I am crazy
Or just plainly stupid
But I guess you must have been kissing a fool
My goal of writing a post every Monday has become a complete failure. What can I say, me and deadlines just don’t mix when it comes to inspiration. I don’t know what is happening to me lately that I can’t get inspired. Maybe it’s because I feel under complete control and words can’t seem to flow through my inner core up to my hands to express the feeling of utter helplessness and fear of simply thinking. That, or I’m simply coming down with a heavy does of seniortis and I have no interest other than Netflix, and that’s not a very good source of inspiration.
But seriously, I feel straight out of the book 1984 where even having thoughts that are remotely out of line are punished. I can’t have a conversation with someone without being careful with how I word things because I might be taped. Psychological trauma has forced me to think things and say things I wouldn’t say otherwise, to act differently. As I write this post I’m terrified that it might come back to haunt me, but I have to figure out if someone she has found my one true escape. I do realize all this sounds outlandish, straight out of a bad suspense movie, but I can’t help but feel my heart and opinions being mangled by the one person who swore would protect them. Screw healthy formation, if you want someone to follow your set opinion as to how they should act, make them fear their own existence.
It’s become such a pull on me that I’m afraid to fall in love, because I know no one will ever be good enough, no one will ever bring back the sense of safety that she’s taken away.
It’s no joke that as I type these words my heart races in utter anxiety that after this post I’ll be annexed from my first amendment right.