Carnage

It was the intoxication for you that made me realize that I’ve been getting drunk of the wrong things for way to long

I’ve been sober before your lips, before your hands on my hips

You made me rethink the concept of being in a state sobriety

Because I would always see my self staring at the end of a bottle for a daring push into the world of extraordinary cliches to feel a sense of normalcy, different than awkward social convention I shoved myself into 

But then I found myself drinking you, and felt at ease, felt at peace

Because liquor isn’t supposed to transform you

It’s supposed to bring out your truest shade out form the shadows

Shadows that were born out of the constricted norms embedded into my mind before I could even think about playing with my barbie dolls

And then I drank a tangy mixture of cheap vodka, expensive self-derailemt and an aftertaste of a misplaced childhood.

And for the first time in my predetermined existence

For the first time in my etiquette driven, formulaic personality

For the first time my mask fell of my face

Tumbled down on to the floor

And fell between your fingertips

For the first time I wasn’t afraid of pain

I found comfort in the scars you left on my neck

Open wounds that got infected with delusions and ill-adviced caresses

Because with every stroke they became deeper

And now here I stand

That result of your carnage

Battered black and blue but holding on to your control over me

Waiting

Waiting for you to bite deeper into me until I’m lost in my own oblivion

Only to find myself in your arms

Wanting to feel weak again

Craving the hangover 

Dear Karma

Dear Karma,

I am sick and tired. Sick and tired of standing back and forgiving everyone who doesn’t need to be forgiven, of being stepped on, of being shot down. I am sick and tired of seeing everyone else being happy, seeing those who hurt me thrive. I am sick and tired of being ok with settling for less that what I deserve. Haven’t I paid enough for everything I did just about a year ago? What is it karma? You gonna throw things at me till I crack? Well guess what, YOU WON, I’ve had it, and I’ve cracked.

News flash you cosmic piece of worthless belief, I don’t think it’s fair that those who hurt me get to be happy after doing everything that they did, and that I’m still paying for hurting him. I know I hurt him, jeez, every person on the planet knows I still feel like shit, and yet I haven’t gotten my chance to redeem myself, to show that I’ve changed. I can’t seem to catch a fucking break in a world where, honestly, the only thing I have going for me is that I was born into lucky family, who in retrospect isn’t even that lucky because I have to deal with two 5 year olds who happen to be my parents.  And it’s not lucky anyway because I feel like shit for having what I have, it’s like a cursed label, but I’m getting side tracked here.

I honestly need a break. I want to be more than content with where I’m at, I want to actually be happy about something, not just be happy simply because I still have a shred of my sanity. So here I am begging you, me the proud midget who never asks for anything is begging YOU the bitch of the royal superstitious mindset TO GIVE ME A BREAK. It can be a simple week where my love life, sport life and academic life just seem to fall into place, and then you can go back to your malicious ways.

And it’s not just me. I know people who are so dead inside because of you that they have lost all faith in anything ever getting better. I know people who because of you, have gotten much more than what they had coming. It’s like you enjoy prying on the already messed up to drive them deeper into their madness so they can keep fucking up and you can keep doing what you do best: screwing people over.

Honestly, you either need to get your act together or leave me the hell alone.

Oh and tell your friend destiny that she is more of a bitch than you because after all that I’ve done defending her and believing in her and what not, she’s jut put me in a plan that my mother doesn’t agree with, and it’s just really messing things up for me.

With great loathing,

The hopeless romantic

 

 

 

P.S. If you decide to build up a storm when my Syracuse application is being reviewed and I happen to not get in, I will find a way to annihilate you because that would be just going to far.

 

Wake the Hell Up

So I wake up and buy a ticket to nowhere,

a one way ride into the emptiness of my mind

To prove to myself

That an immigrant of logic won’t just migrate to the cockles of my heart

Which contains all my choice of reason and words that do not rhyme

In order to wake up from reality

And fall back into my dreams

Where it’s just you and me and a camera

That captures every moment of the feelings I long to express in words

But no words can express.

How cliché of me…  (stop)

But I guess that’s poetry.

Clichéd phrases with meanings out of the ordinary

That dig into that uncomprehended soul of wisdom and artistry.

A jumble and mumble of moody complaints

Inspired by a leaf falling and landing on the window

Leading to conclusions

Of why we live

In a world so cold and full of nothing but shit

And the fact that we chase that shit up and down empty ally ways

Pursuing for a false light of hope

To ignite that love that will probably be buried under all your insecurities.

So wake up

To the fact that poetry is derived form red roses and blue violets

That are actually not blue, but violet.

But you see

That is what a poet does;

They confuse and mesmerize you with words

Injected by the drugs of insanity

Mixing them into cocktails of forgotten questions.

Wake up to the fact that poets are just talented spinners of reality

And I am proud to say

I belong to the community of frustrated spinners

Who search for deepness in shallow chocolate milk cartons and vodka bottles, or any bottle  

Or the romantic side of an earlobe.

I just have a talent for rotating perspectives into phrases

That only I will understand

But that somehow you’ll feel them in the deepness of your veins

As they crash into your inner thoughts

That make you believe that I am actually writing about something worth while. Well I’m not;

This is not the sign you were looking for in the starry night

That is just as hidden as your desires for that kiss.

This is just me,

Throwing out random thoughts

Of just about every painful nip

That has been taken to my battered mind and built heart.

Wake up into the parallel dimension

Where these words transport you away

From your death eating, agonizing, time consuming, worthless and pitiful complications

To figure try out what in the world I am writing about.