Vent

I haven’t vented for a while and it’s really starting to get to me. This addiction of self-inflicting emotional pain is really getting out of hand and it’s all thanks to (bis surprise) a GUY. I can have my cliche moments once in a while and this is one of them.

I just don’t get it. Do men enjoy twisting the feelings and emotions of women for pleasure? Is it like a sport to them? What is it about driving women towards a downward spiral that they find so exhilarating. I mean seriously, how is having a girl go up and down a horrible emotional roller coaster for about 10 months FUN. Especially a dramatic girl, who’s actually going to get pissed at you because she, oh I don’t know, ACTUALLY FUCKING CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING IN GENERAL AN TO HER. And COME ON, really? The bull crap that you miss her and you want to never loose her. (Well I can’t really call is bull crap I fall for it all the time, but the point is WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SAY THOSE THINGS WHEN YOU REALLY DON’T CARE). And don’t come with the excuse that you feel sorry for her, because if you did you would have walked away when you fought, when she told you she wanted nothing to do with you, but you didn’t. You didn’t walk away. Why the fuck did you stay. You honestly don’t think it’s best for the mental health of the both of you for you to just leave her alone. She’s strong, she can get through it. But you won’t, and neither will she. None of you want to let go because sadly both of you, deep down, VERY DEEP DOWN, care. BUT YOU. Oh you who can only think with that small penis are blinded by a morality you don’t posses are so convinced you have the world on a sting wrapped around your finger that you can get away with having movie night and not paying attention to them. Well you actually succeeded but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again, or maybe it will, or it won’t. Jesus why is this so goddamn complicated. WHY ARE YOU SO COMPLICATED. I’m actually trying to keep this as simple as I can but it’s hard, SO HARD because you except things to be fine. I’m not ok with “fine”. I don’t like “fine”. I want simple no baggage, happy go lucky, with normal *insert some socially acceptable label here* fights and not being terrified of kissing you or actually fucking you because there would be no moral implications involved.

 

I want my best friend back. All of him. And a little more. And I won’t ever get it. Because. He. Is. A. Fucking. Idiot

Didn’t take me so long to crack this time.

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Aside

It’s not every night that one of your best friends calls you to tell you he has a gambling problem.

I picked up my cell just like any other night, usual phone call from someone I consider to be my older brother. He didn’t even say hello and just blutered out a hasted phrase, “I have a gambling problem and I just lost everything I had left.” I’ve never felt my heart sink so low so fast, and not only because of his problem, but because I found no words to say. That had to be the first time that I didn’t – and I still don’t – have any advice to say to someone I care about in regards to facing their problem, and the frustration is unbearable. Yes, he is an idiot and yes, he brought this on himself because he has no reason as to why he would need to gamble pretty much his life, but he did. And I can’t do anything about it other than worry.

There is no feeling that compares to hearing genuine fear on the other side of a phone line. It’s kind of feeling chills down the spine, but with a sinister connotation and a taunting from every hair that raises from the neck  that seems to laugh and say “There’s no hope for him anyway so why do you even care?” Unfortunately I can’t bring myself to not stress about his issue, but at the same time I know it’s something he has to deal with on his own. 

I’m still shaken by his voice. He’s 18! He shouldn’t be worried about debts to well, certain kinds of people – and I really do hope he exaggerated that phrase of my overactive imagination is getting to me. All I can do is wonder how he fell so far and how the hell can I help to pull him out of something that could end up suffocating him. The saddest part is I know how he fell, sadder than that is that it’s probably my fault as much as any of his douchy friends. He was never one to have much, but all his friends do, and as much as he convinces himself that it doesn’t matter, I know he cares. Apparently betting and gambling was the only logical way for him to make enough money to be on the same level and the asses he calls friends. The things I’ve said to him haven’t helped at all either. 

I’m not sure what he got into exactly and I’m scared for him.

And that’s all I can be. 

I’ll be just fine

So summer is pretty much over, and that’s a bust. And yes, yes I know I haven’t posted a single thing all summer, I’ve been busy that’s all.

With what exactly you might wonder?

Well, actually having a life for once without having my every move I make be handled with the greatest care by my loving mother.

I actually got to date someone! I hadn’t been on a date since my breakup last summer, and it reminded me why I don’t date in the first place.

It also confirmed that there are some men out there who don’t only want to get physical, or just won’t at all; who would actually want them is beyond me, but that’s just my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, the guy was sweet and cared for me, but I think by the end of our not so steamy month together, I almost went into a diabetic coma.

What can I say, I don’t do sweet cliches and I do think the physical component is somewhat important. Ok, maybe very important.

Look at me I’m even sounding like a guy now.

The highlight of my summer though, I would have to say was actually two things. One, writing my ass of in class (yes I took classes in the summer, judge me) and realizing that, when I graduate, I’m gonna be just fine shipping myself to college. I might even be happier than what I am now.

To be honest I miss my tiny dorm room – even though it was the size of my bathroom – and all the conversation that went on in it. They went from mindless babber to actual moral decisions.

You see, a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend because he fell for one of the girls at my dorm. She put up a fight, and we she finally gave in, when he finally got her, he cheated. I honestly think I’ve never had such a deep discussion with a guy in my bed and not have it turn into something else.

Another conversation happened one night at about two am. It was with one of the girls in my suite. She was heartbroken because her boyfriend had just decided to breakup with her, and the only person she knew she could talk to was me. I was touched at the thought that this girl I’ve known for only two weeks could trust me with such personal issues.

I became close to people – really close – for the first time in a long time. I guess living with the same crowd for a month does that.

That experience I truly believe can only happen in dorms and college, when we are all flung into each other and pretty much need to build those relationships ASAP.

I got to meet people along with their ideas and complex views on such simple things, that helped me open my own opinions towards things I never really thought about.

I got to meet the city of Boston, and probably where I’ll be living right after high school, which is coming to an end on June 7, 2014.