Carnage

It was the intoxication for you that made me realize that I’ve been getting drunk of the wrong things for way to long

I’ve been sober before your lips, before your hands on my hips

You made me rethink the concept of being in a state sobriety

Because I would always see my self staring at the end of a bottle for a daring push into the world of extraordinary cliches to feel a sense of normalcy, different than awkward social convention I shoved myself into 

But then I found myself drinking you, and felt at ease, felt at peace

Because liquor isn’t supposed to transform you

It’s supposed to bring out your truest shade out form the shadows

Shadows that were born out of the constricted norms embedded into my mind before I could even think about playing with my barbie dolls

And then I drank a tangy mixture of cheap vodka, expensive self-derailemt and an aftertaste of a misplaced childhood.

And for the first time in my predetermined existence

For the first time in my etiquette driven, formulaic personality

For the first time my mask fell of my face

Tumbled down on to the floor

And fell between your fingertips

For the first time I wasn’t afraid of pain

I found comfort in the scars you left on my neck

Open wounds that got infected with delusions and ill-adviced caresses

Because with every stroke they became deeper

And now here I stand

That result of your carnage

Battered black and blue but holding on to your control over me

Waiting

Waiting for you to bite deeper into me until I’m lost in my own oblivion

Only to find myself in your arms

Wanting to feel weak again

Craving the hangover 

Someday we’ll both know

Do you know how depressing it is that we finally have a chance to be together and we can’t? You know it, I know it, but the distance between us has made it impossible for that to happen. Two years ago we would gave been perfect for each other, now, our lives are so messed up and driven apart that “what could have been” and what “should be” won’t ever be.

I miss you, and I know you miss me. I could feel it in your touch, in your grip, when you held me so tight and it felt so God damn right. I could hear it in your voice when you asked me when I was going to leave again. I want to go back, and not have to leave. The thing is I will never know if you really want me to stay. It might just be my delusional heart giving me the benefit of the doubt that we might still have something between us. But, is it? Ugh why do you have to be so complicated?! Then again, if you weren’t I wouldn’t feel the way I feel for you.

You must be wondering why I didn’t say that I love you. You know me well enough to answer that question. You know me well enough to figure out that that word is no longer in my vocabulary. It has no meaning, it has no substance, it’s just a sad mumble that won’t roll of your lips because fear consumes you.

I’m scared too, more than you know.

You’re the only person who gets my humor to a T, the only one who sees through me, the only one who I can open up to and I know cares. You’re the only one who knows how I like to dance, even if you don’t like to go out clubbing. You hate clubbing, you hate social gathering unless you know you know you can show off some how. You love golf because it’s something you can do alone, be with your thoughts and cool off from anything that’s going on in your life at the moment. You know you are better that most -if not all – at pretty much everything – your cocky smile gives that away sometimes – you know so much about wine it’s amazing, considering you don’t even like to drink. You love to prove me wrong, you are the only one who can beat me EVERY SINGLE TIME. You adore your sister, and you hate that she listens to me more that you – the few times I talk to her – because you don’t want any reminder of me. You weren’t going to take back the watch because you wanted an excuse to see me again, but you asked for it because you weren’t sure if we were ever going to see each other again (I’m guessing it was out of fear that you trusted me with the only reminder of your grandmother and it is your lucky watch. That’s the woman you think about more than me, your grandmother. She is an amazing woman, and made an amazing man out of you)

You couldn’t ever dream of doing anything remotely wrong because there isn’t an indecent bone in your body, and that’s the main reason nothing has happened. You don’t want to hurt me, you couldn’t bare that.

You know, and I know. Someday we’ll both know at the same time.