Carnage

It was the intoxication for you that made me realize that I’ve been getting drunk of the wrong things for way to long

I’ve been sober before your lips, before your hands on my hips

You made me rethink the concept of being in a state sobriety

Because I would always see my self staring at the end of a bottle for a daring push into the world of extraordinary cliches to feel a sense of normalcy, different than awkward social convention I shoved myself into 

But then I found myself drinking you, and felt at ease, felt at peace

Because liquor isn’t supposed to transform you

It’s supposed to bring out your truest shade out form the shadows

Shadows that were born out of the constricted norms embedded into my mind before I could even think about playing with my barbie dolls

And then I drank a tangy mixture of cheap vodka, expensive self-derailemt and an aftertaste of a misplaced childhood.

And for the first time in my predetermined existence

For the first time in my etiquette driven, formulaic personality

For the first time my mask fell of my face

Tumbled down on to the floor

And fell between your fingertips

For the first time I wasn’t afraid of pain

I found comfort in the scars you left on my neck

Open wounds that got infected with delusions and ill-adviced caresses

Because with every stroke they became deeper

And now here I stand

That result of your carnage

Battered black and blue but holding on to your control over me

Waiting

Waiting for you to bite deeper into me until I’m lost in my own oblivion

Only to find myself in your arms

Wanting to feel weak again

Craving the hangover 

Procrastination at it’s finest

Holly shit. It’s 9:30 and I still haven’t gotten done half of what I need to do, and on top of that I’m sitting with my blog open in order to complain about studying for my history exam, my physics exam, my philosophy and my precalculus project. All this to be done and it’s not even finals week. On top of that, I have to study for the SAT. Four hours of bubble filling, what a great day to spend a Saturday right? But, what I dread the most about these last two weeks of school is writing my English essay. I do love to write (duh I have a blog) but, this essay is going to pretty much force me to do something I don’t enjoy doing voluntarily: think about myslef and actually describe how my mind works.

You see, the essay is to choose a character, poem, line or passage that we have seen throughout the year and connect it to us, how we tick and tock. I was thinking about using one of the lines form The Wife of Bath but – I don’t know if my self esteem is getting in the way here – I’m not sure how I feel about comparing myself to such a strong woman. Maybe it’s because she’s somewhat of a hoe, or maybe because I’m not sure I should be comparing myself to one of the first feminist characters in the history of literature.

I was also considering comparing my self to the role of Satan in Paradise Lost because I mean, with out the people who think and defy society, and the people who are creative, there wouldn’t be any rules in the first place. Then self doubt invaded my mind again and I started wondering if my thoughts were as revolutionary – I don’t know what other word would fit here – as I believe them to be. Then I got to thinking if I’m as creative as I think I am. I can write a poem, sure, but so can a lot of other people.

Ugh high school, it’s gotten to a point where even assignments make us self-conscious.

9:40. Now I’m even more lost as to what step should I take. Memorize an AP exam, study physics, or keep boggling my head around to figure out what voice form literatures past relates to my own.

9:43 Fuck it, I’m studying for my SAT. Graduating in a year anyway, might as well go out with a bang.

Thoughts Before Midnight

I can honestly say that today has been a day of realization. I learned that people who you think can be trusted are just economically driven pricks who have no problem in holding you captive along with 14 horses. I also learned that a friend will always be a friend, no matter what happens. Cliche, I know, but it’s one of the few that actually has no mocking merit (this coming from a mind who can mock almost anything)

Most importantly, today I realized that I’m much stronger now than before, and I’m not just saying this because I manually plowed an arena today. Ironically, I’m much stronger now, when my love life is non-existent, when my safe heaven has pretty much disintegrated and when my future is on the brink of punching me in the face.

Maybe it’s because I’m graduating in a year, taking my SAT next week or exploring colleges this summer that my mind took sharp 180 turn from being one who avoided everything, to being one that accepts reality. Don’t worry, my fantastical imagination is still in the same dark corner thats it’s always been in, it’s just I can’t keep kidding myself that the scenarios is my head are just gonna randomly come to life. I have to make things happen. How exactly do I do that? Well, I have no fucking idea! I guess I’ll just have to wobble between y stilettos and tall boots until I find out.

I’m growing up. Shit.