I haven’t vented for a while and it’s really starting to get to me. This addiction of self-inflicting emotional pain is really getting out of hand and it’s all thanks to (bis surprise) a GUY. I can have my cliche moments once in a while and this is one of them.
I just don’t get it. Do men enjoy twisting the feelings and emotions of women for pleasure? Is it like a sport to them? What is it about driving women towards a downward spiral that they find so exhilarating. I mean seriously, how is having a girl go up and down a horrible emotional roller coaster for about 10 months FUN. Especially a dramatic girl, who’s actually going to get pissed at you because she, oh I don’t know, ACTUALLY FUCKING CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING IN GENERAL AN TO HER. And COME ON, really? The bull crap that you miss her and you want to never loose her. (Well I can’t really call is bull crap I fall for it all the time, but the point is WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SAY THOSE THINGS WHEN YOU REALLY DON’T CARE). And don’t come with the excuse that you feel sorry for her, because if you did you would have walked away when you fought, when she told you she wanted nothing to do with you, but you didn’t. You didn’t walk away. Why the fuck did you stay. You honestly don’t think it’s best for the mental health of the both of you for you to just leave her alone. She’s strong, she can get through it. But you won’t, and neither will she. None of you want to let go because sadly both of you, deep down, VERY DEEP DOWN, care. BUT YOU. Oh you who can only think with that small penis are blinded by a morality you don’t posses are so convinced you have the world on a sting wrapped around your finger that you can get away with having movie night and not paying attention to them. Well you actually succeeded but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again, or maybe it will, or it won’t. Jesus why is this so goddamn complicated. WHY ARE YOU SO COMPLICATED. I’m actually trying to keep this as simple as I can but it’s hard, SO HARD because you except things to be fine. I’m not ok with “fine”. I don’t like “fine”. I want simple no baggage, happy go lucky, with normal *insert some socially acceptable label here* fights and not being terrified of kissing you or actually fucking you because there would be no moral implications involved.
I want my best friend back. All of him. And a little more. And I won’t ever get it. Because. He. Is. A. Fucking. Idiot
Didn’t take me so long to crack this time.
How lost must I be that you have me going back to the one thing I swore I would repress form my lips and mind entirely
Maybe it’s better to stay in a dry spill than go back to the torturous task of an art that has been so played out.
I mean it was played out when it was written out 154 times
Yet here I am trying to reiterate what has always been stated in iambic pentameter
In kids poems
In erotic literature
There’s just nothing new to say about the time consuming, death eating, fucking plain messed feeling up that builds up inside me when I see you, when I think about you, when you hold my hand and kiss my neck
Because it’s all been said before
It’s not new to want to rip apart every memory because so help me God even the happy ones make me feel like there’s nothing to hold on to
Because they’re an echo of doubt
They’re a sad excuse of a deranged version of a fairy tail that I can’t help but find in every book I read, every song I hear and every insignificant sentence that simply mean so much to me
Not knowing if you can read between my lines or there’s a subtext in the way you nonchalantly glace at your side when I’ve drifted off into my non-sense once again
And then there’s your confusion
Which confuses me
And confuses you
And then it’s back to me
And then I end up being completely honest about something that I don’t even know if I’m saying correctly because there tends to be a third party nagging at my brain to mix fictional feelings with uncertain truth and makes me bombard the wall you’ve build up to high because you can’t have me being right
Not even about this
The irony being that you’re the one who supposedly feels so sure about himself
You can’t answer the question of what is it you want
Your coward sense of humor and chivalry surpasses your logic
And yet I’m the one who’s complicated
When I’ve managed to put aside my pride and wait for something that you want but doesn’t convince you
Knowing all the same that if the tables were turned you wouldn’t wait for me
Maybe I am crazy
Or just plainly stupid
But I guess you must have been kissing a fool
I am sick and tired. Sick and tired of standing back and forgiving everyone who doesn’t need to be forgiven, of being stepped on, of being shot down. I am sick and tired of seeing everyone else being happy, seeing those who hurt me thrive. I am sick and tired of being ok with settling for less that what I deserve. Haven’t I paid enough for everything I did just about a year ago? What is it karma? You gonna throw things at me till I crack? Well guess what, YOU WON, I’ve had it, and I’ve cracked.
News flash you cosmic piece of worthless belief, I don’t think it’s fair that those who hurt me get to be happy after doing everything that they did, and that I’m still paying for hurting him. I know I hurt him, jeez, every person on the planet knows I still feel like shit, and yet I haven’t gotten my chance to redeem myself, to show that I’ve changed. I can’t seem to catch a fucking break in a world where, honestly, the only thing I have going for me is that I was born into lucky family, who in retrospect isn’t even that lucky because I have to deal with two 5 year olds who happen to be my parents. And it’s not lucky anyway because I feel like shit for having what I have, it’s like a cursed label, but I’m getting side tracked here.
I honestly need a break. I want to be more than content with where I’m at, I want to actually be happy about something, not just be happy simply because I still have a shred of my sanity. So here I am begging you, me the proud midget who never asks for anything is begging YOU the bitch of the royal superstitious mindset TO GIVE ME A BREAK. It can be a simple week where my love life, sport life and academic life just seem to fall into place, and then you can go back to your malicious ways.
And it’s not just me. I know people who are so dead inside because of you that they have lost all faith in anything ever getting better. I know people who because of you, have gotten much more than what they had coming. It’s like you enjoy prying on the already messed up to drive them deeper into their madness so they can keep fucking up and you can keep doing what you do best: screwing people over.
Honestly, you either need to get your act together or leave me the hell alone.
Oh and tell your friend destiny that she is more of a bitch than you because after all that I’ve done defending her and believing in her and what not, she’s jut put me in a plan that my mother doesn’t agree with, and it’s just really messing things up for me.
With great loathing,
The hopeless romantic
P.S. If you decide to build up a storm when my Syracuse application is being reviewed and I happen to not get in, I will find a way to annihilate you because that would be just going to far.
“Porque nadie se tiene que dar cuenta”,
He said with that wicked smile,
That got me every time,
And melted me away,
Como burbujas en una pecera,
Que desaparecen mientras te ahogas.
And he keeps me down,
Doesn’t let me slip away,
Making me believe that I was safe between el merengue,
Y el suspiro,
Not realising that I didn’t matter.
Not to him.
My carnaval un 27,
Became el diablo cajuelo que me atormenta,
Cause you pull me in with your color,
But scare me with it just the same.
Y si te veo en La Vega corro,
Cause I can’t take another blow.
So I loose myself in the rum,
Y escucho una bachata en tu honor,
Cause your memory I can’t let go of.
From childhood comparsas,
To movies en el malecón.
From stolen kisses that felt right,
To intentions that felt wrong.
And those secret glances en La Romana
That let me forget I was raised in la Pedro Enrrique,
And reminded me that I’m more that who I seem to be,
But made me forget that who I was, and hope to sill be is strong
All on my own.
Dedication: To my fading self worth
Pain in relative
And as it burns through your memories
It becomes a part of you
A scar that you know like the back of your hand
Chemical burn that you learned to caress
And is always there when you’re alone
Cause the skin is so vile
And the scar is so great
That no one will want to hold you with your crippled emotions
And the solution would be to deal with it like the dead
Going back to those few moments
Very few unforgotten smiles an whispers
But you think it’d be best to deal with it like the living
It’s the solution of the strong
Because you have to be stronger
You can’t let the burning desire
Of crashing into vice consume you
So you deal with it like the living
Having it square in the face
As a reminder
A reminder that redemption won’t save you
And damnation is imminent
Damnation caused by your desires to be
And live in a way you believed to be beautiful
But in fact is just a tunnel thats getting narrower
And there’s no way out of it
So you drown in the vinegar at the end of it
To feel numb
To not care
And then, you’re strong
In this context “strong” meaning empty
Cause you’ve hit rock bottom
No one can ever hurt you again
As I take a stroll down memory lane
I run into the corner of nostalgia and broken hearts
And run into the ghost of the past
That leads me down three sharp turns
And I end up un the end of Bull Shit Ave.
Right where it meets with Honesty Hour Street
I’m faced with a huge cement bunker
At the top in huge letters it says
“Institute of higher love”
I walk right up to it high and mighty
With my heart on my sleeve
And my dignity hanging by a thread
Holding on to my independence
Can’t loose it in the mind games
Can’t loose myself in the secret glances
Or in the hand holding
Or in the full words with empty meanings
I can’t loose myself
Cause I’m burning this place down
From the inside
And watching the false hope and promises of all the aching hearts
Burn up in the smoke of the revolution