Pain is relative

Dedication: To my fading self worth

 

Pain in relative

And as it burns through your memories

It becomes a part of you

A scar that you know like the back of your hand

Chemical burn that you learned to caress

And is always there when you’re alone

Cause the skin is so vile

And the scar is so great

That no one will want to hold you with your crippled emotions

And the solution would be to deal with it like the dead

Going back to those few moments

Very few unforgotten smiles an whispers

But you think it’d be best to deal with it like the living

It’s the solution of the strong

Because you have to be stronger

You can’t let the burning desire

Of crashing into vice consume you

So you deal with it like the living

Having it square in the face

As a reminder

A reminder that redemption won’t save you

And damnation is imminent

Damnation caused by your desires to be

And live in a way you believed to be beautiful

But in fact is just a tunnel thats getting narrower

And there’s no way out of it

So you drown in the vinegar at the end of it

To nurture

To feel numb

To not care

And then, you’re strong

In this context “strong” meaning empty

Cause you’ve hit rock bottom

Congratulations

No one can ever hurt you again

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Hideaway

And all I need right now is my hideaway
So I can run away from you
And fly away with him
And the memory of the kiss that never touched my lips
Or the vibration of the strum that gave me goose bumps.

And the guilt of looking into those eyes
And feeling something real for the first time in a long time
Knowing those eyes felt the same
As they begged me to be the queen of his world for only one night
But knowing all the same that there is no such thing as freedom of desire.

All I need right now is my hideaway
Because reality without the sea rocking under the hammock
That shook with every glance
And rocked with every sigh
Is as painful as holding back the tears form saying goodbye.

I miss the cold and the warmth
I miss the wind that made me fall for you
And your grip that kept me steady.

The way you got ahead, stopped, waited and kept going.
The tears swell up again as I remember how you called me munchkin,
Didn’t annoy me when you made me feel small
Cause in the end I was and I am the bigger person.
Because I was the one who waited in the cold
And dreamt about your lips and voice
And you were the one who didn’t show.

But then his shoulder catches my tears
As I stutter to tell the story of a hidden craving
And he holds my hand
Whispering a promise that I know he can’t keep

Cause it’ll fly by just as fast as the seven days
Those seven days that I will always go back to when I feel lonely,
Because I will always go back to shnarfing and loving.
I will always revisit our last glance on the staircase,
And that night that turned into the darkest moment
Before the dawn that would end it all.

And so I go to my hideaway just one last time and see you there,
With him
And the blurred voices that surround us
But I can’t seem to listen.
I’m to wrapped up in what could have been and never will be.
I’m to wrapped up in counting the hours until tomorrow
Can it not be tomorrow?

It’s 3AM and I don’t want to say goodbye,
But the quiet whispers so loudly that it’s time to go.
I embrace the quivers, and shivers and the heavy rotation
I walk away
Still holding his hand because neither of us wants to let go.
Can’t my hideaway just become home?

Forgotten

I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, but I promise that will change for anyone out there following this. Been writing a lot of poetry lately, here is a short thing I jotted down. Also gonna be posting a story I’ve been working on soon, not quite finished with it yet. 

A memory creeps back into the abyss of my mind as you tangle and cares with sweet words of wonder. A past that I’ve been trying to push away, but it just keeps calling. Calling like a mermaid in a dark stormy night, ready to tangle and provoke me, sinking back into the dark. Dark, where I feel safe, where I can’t be seen, where you and I know we’re are not alone but with all just hiding dreams, mistakes and fears of being seen. Where everyone is invisible. Invisible, what I long be in in your judging eyes that see me clear as night and yet push me away to that forgotten shelf in the back of your mind. You hear my pleas between the lines I read and write. Write, what else is there but to write to get away from this perfectly imperfect world consumed by ideals and masks. Masks, mine is wearing away, can I borrow yours for a while? Cause it’s staring to crack, and the light it burning your skin.