Pain is relative

Dedication: To my fading self worth

 

Pain in relative

And as it burns through your memories

It becomes a part of you

A scar that you know like the back of your hand

Chemical burn that you learned to caress

And is always there when you’re alone

Cause the skin is so vile

And the scar is so great

That no one will want to hold you with your crippled emotions

And the solution would be to deal with it like the dead

Going back to those few moments

Very few unforgotten smiles an whispers

But you think it’d be best to deal with it like the living

It’s the solution of the strong

Because you have to be stronger

You can’t let the burning desire

Of crashing into vice consume you

So you deal with it like the living

Having it square in the face

As a reminder

A reminder that redemption won’t save you

And damnation is imminent

Damnation caused by your desires to be

And live in a way you believed to be beautiful

But in fact is just a tunnel thats getting narrower

And there’s no way out of it

So you drown in the vinegar at the end of it

To nurture

To feel numb

To not care

And then, you’re strong

In this context “strong” meaning empty

Cause you’ve hit rock bottom

Congratulations

No one can ever hurt you again

Reality Check

There is one reason I truly hate TV and cinema: their romance stories.

It aggravates me how those talented writers from hell come up with the most perfect story lines and scripts, and leave girls like me with preconceived ideas about a type of love that can only be found in fiction. The reality of it is, romance in dead and so are those extravagant acts of love that came along with it. Now a days, if a guy decided to order take out after sex is a romantic act that’s supposed to woo us away; and the idea of a guy chasing down a plane with a motorcycle and asking the love of his life to marry him is so far fetched that only a teen drama writer could think it up (I actually feel pathetic wishing it would happen to me).

The reality of everything is, that if you fall in love everything will blow to pieces. If you’re not in the relationship with the person, you’ll always be waiting for it to be like the movies. That big realization that your supposed to be together, which usually happens when one or the other is about to leave town, or marry someone, or die. Then, miraculously the other person makes it in time and no one leaves town, they marry each other, and no one dies. If you are together, then the girl will always be waiting for those big affectionate details that we all read about; she will be highly disappointed to realize that those big affectionate details will never happen because well, all great romances are written by women, and men have no sense of what actual wooing is.

I hate it when my mind goes all pessimistic on love – I love love – It’s just that I’m tired of thinking that it’s like the movies and books and shows I see. Even if two people are perfect for each other, that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen (and no amount of chocolate or alcohol can fix that, trust me). Even if things seem like their “meant to be” and everything feels perfect, doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. And even if you can actually imagine being with the person, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

Sometimes I wish I could write my own love stories and watch them come true before my eyes, words aren’t that powerful I guess.

I’ll be just fine

So summer is pretty much over, and that’s a bust. And yes, yes I know I haven’t posted a single thing all summer, I’ve been busy that’s all.

With what exactly you might wonder?

Well, actually having a life for once without having my every move I make be handled with the greatest care by my loving mother.

I actually got to date someone! I hadn’t been on a date since my breakup last summer, and it reminded me why I don’t date in the first place.

It also confirmed that there are some men out there who don’t only want to get physical, or just won’t at all; who would actually want them is beyond me, but that’s just my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, the guy was sweet and cared for me, but I think by the end of our not so steamy month together, I almost went into a diabetic coma.

What can I say, I don’t do sweet cliches and I do think the physical component is somewhat important. Ok, maybe very important.

Look at me I’m even sounding like a guy now.

The highlight of my summer though, I would have to say was actually two things. One, writing my ass of in class (yes I took classes in the summer, judge me) and realizing that, when I graduate, I’m gonna be just fine shipping myself to college. I might even be happier than what I am now.

To be honest I miss my tiny dorm room – even though it was the size of my bathroom – and all the conversation that went on in it. They went from mindless babber to actual moral decisions.

You see, a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend because he fell for one of the girls at my dorm. She put up a fight, and we she finally gave in, when he finally got her, he cheated. I honestly think I’ve never had such a deep discussion with a guy in my bed and not have it turn into something else.

Another conversation happened one night at about two am. It was with one of the girls in my suite. She was heartbroken because her boyfriend had just decided to breakup with her, and the only person she knew she could talk to was me. I was touched at the thought that this girl I’ve known for only two weeks could trust me with such personal issues.

I became close to people – really close – for the first time in a long time. I guess living with the same crowd for a month does that.

That experience I truly believe can only happen in dorms and college, when we are all flung into each other and pretty much need to build those relationships ASAP.

I got to meet people along with their ideas and complex views on such simple things, that helped me open my own opinions towards things I never really thought about.

I got to meet the city of Boston, and probably where I’ll be living right after high school, which is coming to an end on June 7, 2014.

Loud and Clear

He stares at the screen, her name comes up again
She stares at the screen regretting ever sending that message
He can’t think of what to say to her
She doesn’t know why she puts herself through this every night
He wonders if he should tell her he wants her again
She wonders if he even remembers what it was like to love her, if he ever did in fact love her
He is a coward
She is brave
He says nothing
She cries herself to sleep
He stares at the screen every night hoping for her name to come up again
She deleted his number